"Happy" 2016
Everyone reading this post can proudly say that we have all made it 10 days into the year 2016. WOO HOO! 2015 is finally over and done with! I can honestly say that last year was definitely a challenge. But, as most of you believe as well, I'm determined that this year will be better. Yes, I can be a total basic white girl and title this "New Year, New Me" and rant on and on and on about huge, unrealistic tasks that you and I both know won't happen because I'm just that lazy. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but instead I plan to be vague. What the Hell, Allison? I know, I know... But come on. Did you REALLY think that I would have that much of a straight forward answer? You should know me by now.
Now I will go ahead and say that I plan to be different. Different how, you ask (or you probably weren't asking that at all. In that case, sorry I tried putting words in your mouth)? Well, for the past decade I have been struggling to find myself. Through friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, coworkers, teachers, and many others, I have been persuaded into things I love and hate. This includes a long list of materialistic and influential aspects. In the midst of trying to find myself, I somehow lost a part of me that I wanted to hold on to forever. Before you cut me off, this time it's not about a guy (WHAT?!). It's about my sense of self. I have recently discovered this only about a week ago. If you are a close friend of mine, you would know that I can never let down someone in need. Whenever someone needs help, I'm one of the first people ready to step in. Hell, I even keep my phone next to me with the ringer volume on high so then if a friend was in trouble, I could answer right away. In doing so, however, I've come to the realization that not everyone was able to do the same for me. Those late night depressions throughout the year where no one was able to answer their phones were the hardest (**Side Note: If you just read that last part and you were that person who stayed in the car with me until 2am while I cried or picked up the phone and made every effort you could to make sure that I was safe, please disregard this and know that it does not apply to you**). I still find it hard to figure out why my depression and anxiety grew last year. There are many factors that play key roles and even some sub-factors that triggered them. At least twice a week, I didn't go to bed crying. I would be anxious during the day and towards the end, my depression would creep up and hang onto me until the early morning. That's when I started noticing a pattern in my daily routines. I knew I had to do something about it.
Drum role, please? ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?! My 2016 New Year's Resolution is to be more positive. Um, wow. That's it? Yes, shut up. It's hard for me to come up with a positive thing to say about myself most, if not all, of the time. I bash myself way too harshly for someone who wants to actually enjoy life. I compare the way I am to everyone around me and it has become a very unhealthy habit. If I see a pretty, thin girl walking with her boyfriend, I automatically think of myself as a fat, ugly, forever-alone, piece of shit. I told you it was bad. I can't even take a damn compliment without barking back, "don't lie to me". I've always thought that being happy was bad for me and started noticing a correlation (not causation) of bad things happening from being happy.
But how am I supposed to rewire years of negative thoughts? Slowly. I have always looked at each day as a new beginning. The challenge is to fully apply it to my every day life. If I'm upset about something, I need to face it right then and there. I absolutely hate talking about my feelings. It's like pulling teeth. But I can't let it linger for a few days so I can overthink, because that's when I start doing/saying things I don't mean to do/say. And that's when I start hurting those around me. If I think I'm about to have a negative thought, I need to take a step back and think about a more positive outcome. Or write it in my journal and close it so my thought is out of sight and out of mind.
Aside from the rewiring part, I plan on doing things for myself more. That seems like a very easy thing to do, but trust me. I would much rather be the one hurting if it helps another person succeed. I need to learn how to say "no" to an invitation to go out where I'm around so many people, and say "yes" to a night of writing or latch-hooking while listening to music in my room by myself. Use that day off from work and go to Barnes and Noble to read or do schoolwork. Keep up with singing and piano skills so I can become a better musician than I was yesterday. Get that workout pass and hit the gym to relieve aggression. I'm not saying that these need to be done every day and become a lonely hermit. Of course I'm going to still be that social butterfly that everyone knows and loves. But I need to learn how to balance both in moderation.
As for my love life (Damn, I thought that topic wouldn't come up. Oh well, now I have to mention something), my goal is to control my "hopeless romantic" trait. I think that every guy (which isn't a lot of guys... seriously, I think it was like 3 guys this year) who makes an effort to care about me is the one because I get emotionally attracted to them. And you know what happened to each of those guys? The first one rejected me because he was embarrassed to like me because I wasn't his current on/off girlfriend. The second guy who lives too far away from me said that I need someone close to me to be happier than I would be in a long-distance with him (new way of rejection, but okay). The third guy informed me (actually he told my friend who was standing right next to me at the time) that he just found a girlfriend. (**One More Side Note: If you're thinking "you shouldn't even be liking three guys at once", stop right in your tracks. At this time, I only truly liked the third guy. Okay, carry on**) You want to know the crazy part about all of it? All three rejections happened within 30 minutes. That's a whole new level of rejection I never thought I'd ever experience. For the next couple of months, I was depressed because I felt at that point that I'm always going to be forever alone. I still think that. Which is why I have decided that I'm taking a year off trying to like guys. If someone happens to come along, then when the time is right, it will work out. Looking back at those same guys, I don't blame them at all for rejecting me. Maybe it's God's way of saying that someone better is out there waiting to meet me. Or maybe God is telling me that I need to fix my life before I let another person into it.
Today, January 10th of 2016, I am determined to hold onto this resolution. It's not going to be easy. There will be days where the negative thoughts will overpower the positive ones. But that's not a good reason to give up so quickly. I have friends who are willing to help me because they want to see my happy smile that isn't for show just to get through the day. By December 31st, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and comfortably say, "I'm beautiful" without any second thoughts. This year is going to be a long one. And I'm excited to take part in every second of it.
Happy (belated) New Year,
Allison
Now I will go ahead and say that I plan to be different. Different how, you ask (or you probably weren't asking that at all. In that case, sorry I tried putting words in your mouth)? Well, for the past decade I have been struggling to find myself. Through friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, coworkers, teachers, and many others, I have been persuaded into things I love and hate. This includes a long list of materialistic and influential aspects. In the midst of trying to find myself, I somehow lost a part of me that I wanted to hold on to forever. Before you cut me off, this time it's not about a guy (WHAT?!). It's about my sense of self. I have recently discovered this only about a week ago. If you are a close friend of mine, you would know that I can never let down someone in need. Whenever someone needs help, I'm one of the first people ready to step in. Hell, I even keep my phone next to me with the ringer volume on high so then if a friend was in trouble, I could answer right away. In doing so, however, I've come to the realization that not everyone was able to do the same for me. Those late night depressions throughout the year where no one was able to answer their phones were the hardest (**Side Note: If you just read that last part and you were that person who stayed in the car with me until 2am while I cried or picked up the phone and made every effort you could to make sure that I was safe, please disregard this and know that it does not apply to you**). I still find it hard to figure out why my depression and anxiety grew last year. There are many factors that play key roles and even some sub-factors that triggered them. At least twice a week, I didn't go to bed crying. I would be anxious during the day and towards the end, my depression would creep up and hang onto me until the early morning. That's when I started noticing a pattern in my daily routines. I knew I had to do something about it.
Drum role, please? ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?! My 2016 New Year's Resolution is to be more positive. Um, wow. That's it? Yes, shut up. It's hard for me to come up with a positive thing to say about myself most, if not all, of the time. I bash myself way too harshly for someone who wants to actually enjoy life. I compare the way I am to everyone around me and it has become a very unhealthy habit. If I see a pretty, thin girl walking with her boyfriend, I automatically think of myself as a fat, ugly, forever-alone, piece of shit. I told you it was bad. I can't even take a damn compliment without barking back, "don't lie to me". I've always thought that being happy was bad for me and started noticing a correlation (not causation) of bad things happening from being happy.
But how am I supposed to rewire years of negative thoughts? Slowly. I have always looked at each day as a new beginning. The challenge is to fully apply it to my every day life. If I'm upset about something, I need to face it right then and there. I absolutely hate talking about my feelings. It's like pulling teeth. But I can't let it linger for a few days so I can overthink, because that's when I start doing/saying things I don't mean to do/say. And that's when I start hurting those around me. If I think I'm about to have a negative thought, I need to take a step back and think about a more positive outcome. Or write it in my journal and close it so my thought is out of sight and out of mind.
Aside from the rewiring part, I plan on doing things for myself more. That seems like a very easy thing to do, but trust me. I would much rather be the one hurting if it helps another person succeed. I need to learn how to say "no" to an invitation to go out where I'm around so many people, and say "yes" to a night of writing or latch-hooking while listening to music in my room by myself. Use that day off from work and go to Barnes and Noble to read or do schoolwork. Keep up with singing and piano skills so I can become a better musician than I was yesterday. Get that workout pass and hit the gym to relieve aggression. I'm not saying that these need to be done every day and become a lonely hermit. Of course I'm going to still be that social butterfly that everyone knows and loves. But I need to learn how to balance both in moderation.
As for my love life (Damn, I thought that topic wouldn't come up. Oh well, now I have to mention something), my goal is to control my "hopeless romantic" trait. I think that every guy (which isn't a lot of guys... seriously, I think it was like 3 guys this year) who makes an effort to care about me is the one because I get emotionally attracted to them. And you know what happened to each of those guys? The first one rejected me because he was embarrassed to like me because I wasn't his current on/off girlfriend. The second guy who lives too far away from me said that I need someone close to me to be happier than I would be in a long-distance with him (new way of rejection, but okay). The third guy informed me (actually he told my friend who was standing right next to me at the time) that he just found a girlfriend. (**One More Side Note: If you're thinking "you shouldn't even be liking three guys at once", stop right in your tracks. At this time, I only truly liked the third guy. Okay, carry on**) You want to know the crazy part about all of it? All three rejections happened within 30 minutes. That's a whole new level of rejection I never thought I'd ever experience. For the next couple of months, I was depressed because I felt at that point that I'm always going to be forever alone. I still think that. Which is why I have decided that I'm taking a year off trying to like guys. If someone happens to come along, then when the time is right, it will work out. Looking back at those same guys, I don't blame them at all for rejecting me. Maybe it's God's way of saying that someone better is out there waiting to meet me. Or maybe God is telling me that I need to fix my life before I let another person into it.
Today, January 10th of 2016, I am determined to hold onto this resolution. It's not going to be easy. There will be days where the negative thoughts will overpower the positive ones. But that's not a good reason to give up so quickly. I have friends who are willing to help me because they want to see my happy smile that isn't for show just to get through the day. By December 31st, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and comfortably say, "I'm beautiful" without any second thoughts. This year is going to be a long one. And I'm excited to take part in every second of it.
Happy (belated) New Year,
Allison
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