Love?

What is this magical term that makes children giggle, teens believe in an instant, and adults feel at heart? It fascinates me on how much this word is used everyday. But it obtains many other meanings: Love you, Luv ya, I love food, and (the most obvious) I love you. I can't help but think how people use the last way as such a fluke. They throw it at everyone they come across like it's worthless. Oh, and "hate" is a such strong word (OMG SHE SAID THE "H" WORD!). Please. Shouldn't how strong something is in one form be the same strength as it's exact opposite form? My mom always scolded me for saying "hate" because it's something you should never feel towards another human being unless you absolutely feel that way. But what about love? Shouldn't you only say it unless you absolutely feel that way, as well? I can't tell you how many times I've heard people around my school say "I love you" to their boyfriend/girlfriend that they have been dating for only a week and then two days later break up. *Slowly claps* Wow, good for you both. 

But I'm not saying that it's impossible to fall in love at an early age. For the longest time, I never believed in love. I felt that it was a useless emotion everyone used on Valentine's Day, weddings, and anniversaries. Plus, I never experienced love at all. How can I believe in something without some sort of recognition? (By the way, I swear if you connect that last statement to anything religious, shut up. Just... just stop while you're ahead.) Okay, moving on. Well, just recently I thought I found someone who I actually loved. Even though we weren't "together", it felt like it to me. I would feel nervous to text him. I couldn't look at him in school without being shy. But anytime we were just hanging out, I acted like myself. I wasn't afraid of what he thought about me because we were a lot alike. That I felt relieved about. It's hard finding someone as crazy as I am. It was like I was in my own little world when I was with him.

Then the brick wall was built when he informed me that he found someone else. What? A thousand thoughts ran through my mind all at once: "What happened?", "Why her?", "Was there something wrong with me?", "Did I treat you wrong?", etc. I couldn't believe that I was forgotten about that easily. Seriously, my heart felt like it tore into a million pieces. As months went by, I tried to get over him. I deleted him from my Facebook and phone, and I even focused in school more. One night, I was hanging out with a good friend. I told her that I finally feel like he's better off with her (his girlfriend) than me. Huh, kinda spoke a little too soon for that. The next day I found out that they broke up. I wanted to cheer with immediate joy (don't lie, you would do the same, damn it!). But, remarkably I didn't. I thought about it for another long month. Did I want to go back to someone that put me through so much pain? 

I added him back on Facebook a few months ago. He messaged me in less than two minutes. We talked until 3am that day. But when we chilled again, it didn't feel special for some reason. It wasn't like before. It was like the negative feelings were still hanging over my head. I would regret texting him, every time I saw his name online I had to log off or scroll quickly to pass it. What was going on? I wanted to be with him, but something was telling me that it wasn't worth it. 

Over a week ago, I saw him one last time before I moved. You don't know how much effort it took to try and hold back tears. I'm saying goodbye to someone who put me through so much, good and bad. I told him that he was the best thing that ever happened to me in the 8 years I lived in Florida. His reply? "I'm probably the worst, too, right?" Were my ears deceiving me? Was he actually saying something that I've been wanting to hear, or was I dreaming again? He spent the next thirty minutes apologizing for everything he did wrong. I was in complete and total shock. Usually guys I know are jerks and don't care if they hurt a girl. But he was surprisingly different. The last thing he told me is still ringing in my ears to this day. He told me to find someone I deserve... because I don't deserve someone like him. Wow. That seriously took balls to say. When I got in the car and left, I didn't cry, not even at home. I felt good that we both said what we needed to say. I never told him what I wanted to say, but that's on my part. I could never tell him that... I fell in love with him. There, I said it (okay, I actually typed it but whatever). How was I going to tell him that? I had a feeling that he didn't feel the same way, but I wasn't going to find out the hard way. It's better that I didn't say anything, at least in my mind it is.

I've concluded from many personal experiences what "love" is to me. Love is wanting to be with someone who you care immensely about in the end, regardless of what they did to hurt you. You dream about them constantly when you're sad, even when you don't mean to, because your mind wants to remind you about the happy memories and your body wants to feel wanted and loved again. And lastly you realize that you always wish to be in their presence because they make you feel good, and sex is never an important factor in that at all. I admit that I'm still in love with him but it's slowly fading away each day I don't see him. Soon, I'll do exactly what he told me to do and I'll be happier with my life. I'm a believer in love, and I always will be.

May you love those who bring warmth to your life,

Allison